March 17, 2013
As I laid in bed a few nights ago, I raised my hand to my face, fingers tracing my skin. And I had a thought-I’m not just this, I’m more. More. Not only flesh and bone. There’s a spirit within me, strong. A sense that I’m just on the verge of something, waiting. What is it? What purpose pushes me in unknown directions, and pulls me out of bed in the morning. I’m meant for something. If I can only reach that moment, an epiphany when it all becomes clear, my greatness will arrive.
Some strange twist of fate brought me back here, and now I wonder-what for? I listen to intuition, and I accept guidance. When the nudging gets strong enough, I pack up and move back to a place I tried so hard to leave. I decide to make the best of being here and work on getting my four year degree. Now, I’ve got Suze Orman telling me I made a colossal error. Saw an excerpt of some show she was on, and the power lesbian financial guru says something to the effect of: Now you’ve got student loans, because you decided to go back to school, but you don’t know what you want to do-No! Well, thanks Suze. I’m nearly a semester into fucking up royally. Trying to trust the background noise of intuition that urged me to this point in the first place, but it’s hard. Feeling just a bit like God placed me in an old boat up shit creek, and took away my paddle.
Somewhere in all of this, a reason will rise up. For now, I’m focusing on sending up my gratitude, and holding onto the feeling when I create. When I’m immersed in a painting, or shaping calligraphy, and I know-this is where my joy resides.
This morning I had the experience I’ve been waiting for. A searing hot cup of brewed coffee in hand, rich dark nectar at my lips, and the sun shining bright in the sky. I woke my sleepyhead puppy and took him outside, as he nosed around in the grass, I took a sip of coffee and basked in the sunlight, breathing in the fresh air. No assignments due today. That’s a great feeling.
The short story section was a challenge, and I’m glad it’s over. I feel that I developed a unique story, and I amazed myself that I was able to write a little over 5,000 words by the end. Looking back, I wish I had not put so much pressure on myself, and just allowed it to happen in small portions. I tend to overwhelm myself. I was very impressed by my peers, and their stories as well. The input I received was valuable and I applied some of it to my short story.
As we transition into the screenplay section of class, I haven’t narrowed down the TV show I would like to write my screenplay about. I’m going to try not to panic as I did in the short story section. When we first talked about it in class, I immediately thought of Charmed. Im a sucker for the Halliwell sisters. But, it needs to be a show that’s on air or hiatus currently. That changes things. As I discussed in class, I also thought of The Vampire Diaries, but Dr. A is as much a fan as I am, and the added pressure to make it good would probably end up stifling my creativity as it did in the short story section. Don’t want to revisit that. I toyed with the idea of The Good Wife, but that show is so incredibly smart I wouldn’t know where to begin. I’m going to do some more searching before I finalize my show of choice.