March 17, 2013
As I laid in bed a few nights ago, I raised my hand to my face, fingers tracing my skin. And I had a thought-I’m not just this, I’m more. More. Not only flesh and bone. There’s a spirit within me, strong. A sense that I’m just on the verge of something, waiting. What is it? What purpose pushes me in unknown directions, and pulls me out of bed in the morning. I’m meant for something. If I can only reach that moment, an epiphany when it all becomes clear, my greatness will arrive.
Some strange twist of fate brought me back here, and now I wonder-what for? I listen to intuition, and I accept guidance. When the nudging gets strong enough, I pack up and move back to a place I tried so hard to leave. I decide to make the best of being here and work on getting my four year degree. Now, I’ve got Suze Orman telling me I made a colossal error. Saw an excerpt of some show she was on, and the power lesbian financial guru says something to the effect of: Now you’ve got student loans, because you decided to go back to school, but you don’t know what you want to do-No! Well, thanks Suze. I’m nearly a semester into fucking up royally. Trying to trust the background noise of intuition that urged me to this point in the first place, but it’s hard. Feeling just a bit like God placed me in an old boat up shit creek, and took away my paddle.
Somewhere in all of this, a reason will rise up. For now, I’m focusing on sending up my gratitude, and holding onto the feeling when I create. When I’m immersed in a painting, or shaping calligraphy, and I know-this is where my joy resides.